This is a great story, and I'm sure that the word limit hindered you a little.
It was well thought out, but there was so much information given in such a short period of time, that I could barely keep track of it. You tried to establish a character that didn't need to be established; let the character be the reader, and let the horror of the events feel that much more real. Also, you threw all of this character information at us, yet very little dealt with the story, or wasn't explained or explored as well as it should be.
Going with the "reader is character" theme, take out the "I had never been good at stealth", and put "he saw me" after Dammit.
Also, I didn't love the whole "thrill of human sacrifice" bit; scary, but it seemed out of place. Of course, this is an alleged dream, so it doesn't have to make perfect sense. That's really a personal opinion; there wasn't too much characterization of the guy. Give him a speech to your family about how he loves killing people, or something to really get the feeling that this guy is insane.
I think getting rid of the characterization of "I" will do you a world of good. It would open up some room to describe the actual situation of a man in your living room with a gun to your face. Describe the man, describe the view of watching your dad die, describe how the man is relishing the human sacrifice. This will create a good pacing for your story.
wweerrdd
Some people say art is measured by how much the viewer can interact with it. This piece asks the reader to view the story in several different ways through a repetition of theme that goes from normal straight A kid to potentially screwed up psychopath. It plays with the mind and asks to be played with in turn. Great story MonkeyV ... just great. I do have some criticisms, but you should take them as just stupid bullshit that gets in the way of an otherwise well developed story.
You've heard of the 'show don't tell' bit before I'm sure. But, when you say, 'probably my dad making a breakfast. Wrong.' You are telling the reader what is going on. Try taking the wrong out and see how you like it. You may just find that it make the whole piece more disturbing.
Also, I would just like to say that your attention to grammar is obvious and I appreciate the additional effort you placed within it.
Great story.
MonkeyV
Why thank you very much!
That is exactly what I was aiming for.