Loop - Rethink - by MonkeyV

Word Count: 498
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Loop - Rethink

I jerked awake suddenly with a sweat covered face. What a strange, but wonderful, dream... I always wake up right before the good part.

It took me a few seconds to hear my alarm coming from my phone. It wasn't very loud, but in the silence of my room, it was loud, obnoxious, and unwelcome to my ears. I quickly shut it off. *Sigh* Time for another morning. I looked up at my wall and saw all of my straight-A awards from school. Rewards for hard work are always welcome. A reason to get up in the morning, I guess. I sighed again and got up. I would never think to ditch school. I was a good kid, if I were to say so myself. I took about five minutes to get dressed and open my door. Before I could head over to the bathroom to spike my hair, I noticed the lights were on downstairs. Who could be up at this time? Probably my dad, making himself a breakfast. I came halfway down the stairs and saw my brother, sister, and dad sitting on the couch. There was a man dressed in black standing in front of them with a gun.

Rapidly, I tried going back up stairs. I had never been good at stealth. "Get back down here, boy!" the man said. Dammit. I quietly dialed 911 on my phone and threw it up stairs. I lived near a cop; hopefully they would trace the address and the cop would get here quickly. I walked back downstairs and the man in black waved me over to the couch with the gun. "What do you want from us?" my dad cried. "I want nothing. I just enjoy the thrill of human sacrifice." My sister started crying. "Good bye." he said. My brother tried to put his hands up, but it did nothing. Half a second later, there was a hole in his face with blood oozing out. *BANG!* next was my dad. Now, all that was left was my sister, the man, and I, all splattered with blood, looks of shock on my sister's and my face. Then, all of a sudden, the police kicked down the door and stormed in. They must have heard the gunshots over through the door. The man knew he didn't have long. He pointed the gun at my sister and pulled the trigger...

I jerked awake suddenly with a sweat covered face. What a strange, but wonderful, dream... I always wake up right before the good part.

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Submission for Flash Fiction competition

Edit: Thank you wweerrdd. I will keep your comments in mind.

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wweerrdd 2008-12-13 23:32:25

Some people say art is measured by how much the viewer can interact with it. This piece asks the reader to view the story in several different ways through a repetition of theme that goes from normal straight A kid to potentially screwed up psychopath. It plays with the mind and asks to be played with in turn. Great story MonkeyV ... just great. I do have some criticisms, but you should take them as just stupid bullshit that gets in the way of an otherwise well developed story.

You've heard of the 'show don't tell' bit before I'm sure. But, when you say, 'probably my dad making a breakfast. Wrong.' You are telling the reader what is going on. Try taking the wrong out and see how you like it. You may just find that it make the whole piece more disturbing.

Also, I would just like to say that your attention to grammar is obvious and I appreciate the additional effort you placed within it.

Great story.

MonkeyV 2008-12-13 23:32:25

Why thank you very much!
That is exactly what I was aiming for.

TheThing 2008-12-28 20:00:42

This is a great story, and I'm sure that the word limit hindered you a little.

It was well thought out, but there was so much information given in such a short period of time, that I could barely keep track of it. You tried to establish a character that didn't need to be established; let the character be the reader, and let the horror of the events feel that much more real. Also, you threw all of this character information at us, yet very little dealt with the story, or wasn't explained or explored as well as it should be.

Going with the "reader is character" theme, take out the "I had never been good at stealth", and put "he saw me" after Dammit.

Also, I didn't love the whole "thrill of human sacrifice" bit; scary, but it seemed out of place. Of course, this is an alleged dream, so it doesn't have to make perfect sense. That's really a personal opinion; there wasn't too much characterization of the guy. Give him a speech to your family about how he loves killing people, or something to really get the feeling that this guy is insane.

I think getting rid of the characterization of "I" will do you a world of good. It would open up some room to describe the actual situation of a man in your living room with a gun to your face. Describe the man, describe the view of watching your dad die, describe how the man is relishing the human sacrifice. This will create a good pacing for your story.

MonkeyV 2008-12-28 20:00:42

Actually, the characterization is very important for what I was hoping to accomplish. I was trying to show (in the beginning) that the narrator is a good kid and does great in school and all that jazz, only for you to find out in the end that he is screwed up in the mind, or hates his family, or something of that nature.
But if you're talking about the hair spiking thing, I agree. I'm not sure where I was going with that...

I didn't feel I needed to give much detail of anybody else in the story, because there was a word limit, and I think it would have distracted readers from the actual point of it, which wasn't the killing themselves.

Thanks for the review, glad you like it. :)

Loop - Rethink

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